i admit the lazyness in creeping up on me in all aspect of my life... e.g. school hw, soymilk stuff and all
BUT! i'm still motivating myself to pluck that lazy bone out of my body. i'm not forcing myself really. i want to do it and i will do it. i do not want to be a 力不从心person anymore.
especially on my spiritual growth part. for once after 4 years of becoming a christian, i really really want to grow as much as i can, be closer to Him, nearer to Him, to reach Him... and i've sort of figured out what i can do (but not what i want yet sad to say).
it was only a few days ago that i suddenly remembered why i set my mind onto becoming a christian...
apparently i had forgotten about this soon after i was baptized and i'm terribly sad to tell people i've only remember now.
so now... to me being a christian is not just "a member of a church" or "someone who believes in Christianity" or "a sister in christ"... or any other title that people used till they have no idea what it mean.
being a christian, deep in my heart, is something personal, an identity, a proof, a way of telling people... that tells God i want to be his loving child.
i want to 孝顺 my dearest father in heaven.
Filial Piety
how did i came to that? it all started when i attended my very first church camp (unwillingly) with the aggies....
at that time, i was probably at my lowest emotional and mental state. my parents probably noticed it (or maybe they did not) and signed me up for the camp without my consent. since they already paid, i'll just go lor. since it was in singapore somemore (SARS season)
what came out of it was totally unexpected. i met many new friends, probably i had known veron from there too, and met many inspiring people like Don Mclaughlin (did i spell correct?) and my mentor Mitch (sad to say i've lost contact with him) that touched me deeply with what they said on the last night... that i cried.
cried and cried... guilty for my thoughts, sad for my short-sightedness, disappointed at my own uselessness, and yet, happy that i'm still hanging there, rejoicing at the fact that i have came to the camp, OVERJOYED knowing that... God is waiting for me at the other end.
the thing that striked me the most is the analogy Mitch used: (not the exact words, but the meaning is there. imagine all the actions in your head)
"now we are all babies, babies that are learning how to walk, taking our first few steps towards our father.
While he is standing there, with his hands outstretched, looking at us with love and anticipation... while we struggled step by step to walk over to him.
There are times where we would stumble over our feets... but he'll be there to catch us before we fall. Smiling and telling us to try again. Encouraging and waiting, forever there to support us..."
and here's what i added right now, expanding the analogy:
"Yes, he'll always be there to catch us before we fall. Supporting us and watching over us everyday and every moment.
But, there are times he's not doing anything and we fall... REALLY hard. Scraping our knees, bleeding, covered with dirt... depressed and distressed.
However, it does not mean he's not there for us anymore.
God IS always there.
People always say... to learn something like iceskating, rollerblading, cycling, the best way is to fall. Even in business, entreprenuers who fell really hard, and stood up again with there own two feets are even more successful.
you must FALL before you can succeed
That's why, we must fall down. That's why, he's not catching us before we fell. That's why... because he want us to grow.
And certainly, i'm sure his heart would be broken to see us all battered and worn out after the fall. But he did that for our own good!
There would be times we turn our backs against him, break his heart again and again, but he'll be there waiting for us to turn back... and offer his unconditional love always.
Waiting with love glimmering in his eyes, like how a father would look at his child when the child did him proud.
And when we finally made our way to Him, he'll give us a hug so heartwarming and comforting... that it'll heal our hearts and soul so thoroughly...
we'll shed tears of joy to have his hands patting us on the head for a job well done..."
