while waiting for rachy and her friends to appear at my doorstep, i got bored and decided to wipe all the glossy surface and glass panels in my room! and it's squeak~ing shiny now le!!! (except the very high parts cus i'm short and lazy to drag the dining chair in)
yes, the cut from yesterday is not take serious after all. because it don't hurt that much le. but still avoid touching it la. my tolerance for pain is like 10% only. what happened? oh, cus of the clumsy me who was distracted by something while washing the bowl lor.
it happened like this, as i finished washing the small gorgeous bowl after finishing my orange... automatically, my hand will always reach up to put the bowl mah. but normally, i'll look where i'm putting it. so, as it was a super light small bowl, my hand somehow flinged up to fast and BANGED onto the corner and it slipped out of my wet hands.
being anxious and partially due to auto reflex, i tried to catch it before it lands in the sink, thinking that i can save it. BUT hor! the impact was too big (i dont know why) and it broke into 2 pieces when it hit the sink... and BOUNCED up! cutting my ring finger on the right hand as a result. =(
somemore the bowl is so super PRETTY lor! so saddening, feel so bad for my mother. break bowl doesnt mean smth bad will happen right? so far i'm fine. but the wound looks damn ugly now. luckily i'm used to wearing rings on my left hand instead. or else everyone can see the red mark.
now, on with the topic of the day.
i decided! i'll do a small series to keep track of the changes i've been trying to make since last month end for my own sake. both internally and externally. and also to let people know that i'm out to transform my life for the better, and not to be shock if i changed after so long of not seeing me. (for some)
part 1: short descriptions of changes in my earthly mind
'IN' 1) OPENING UP
after being told by a few people whom i know for quite sometime that they realize that i dont open up much to people at all, i came to the conclusion that the first thing i should change internally is to START OPENING UP.
so for the past few days, to only a few, i opened a couple of the closets hidden in my heart and showed them the skeleton i hid since mmh... long ago la.
and UNEXPECTEDLY! their reactions to these "i-think-you-will-surely-despise-me" matters are alot different than i prepared myself for.
instead of shuning away from me right away, they in return shared abit of themselves and assured me that i will still be the same innocent girl like before. hahas. =x
of cus i'm not going to share them here, since most of it are P&C for us and only us okayssss.
'IN' 2) SPEAKING UP
after being comfortable with myself opening up to people, i realize that i can motivate myself to speak up too!
no, not as in talking louder, but as in voicing out more of my own views, regardless of wrong or right.
not that often, but i definitely find myself speaking without thinking twice sometimes. AND of course, for the first few times since i swore not to regret any decisions, i REGRETTED saying some of the things that jumped off my tongue without warning.
why? because, some of them made me sound like a BIMBO. some of them made me sound JEALOUS of people, and some just made me sound like a GOSSIPING queen.
alright la, maybe i do enjoy gossiping about people, but only with rachy only hor. last time.
'IN' 3) NO REGRETS?
but as someone told me before long time ago, it is not possible for a person to not regret about anything. what i did was just forcing myself to not think about those stupid things that will make me regret, so i'm not really keeping to my personal oath to myself.
true enough, after thinking through recently, there are many many things that i regretted doing unconsciously. like breaking that pretty bowl for example, and probably that stupid decision to confess to someone SUPER long ago. and the DUMB thought that i could just go to some university and finish some degree i dont enjoy with people i dont really like as long as i can get a degree... and so on...
BUT! there are also many wrong things i done without regretting. for instant my rebellious growing process and the 1000$ lost for quitting USF after 1 month... BECAUSE they are what caused me to become what i am now!
so now, i'm gonna throw away that oath of "no regrets for anything" and change it to "learn positively from all the mistakes and regrets i had".
'IN' 4) POSITIVE THINKING
probably one of the most important change i decided to make in my mind. to think POSITIVELY!
as many people had already proven much of my negative thoughts wrong, e.g. reactions to some of my secrets, i decided that thinking positive is the way to conduct my life from now onwards.
of cus, i cant possibly think positive about everything right away. i'll still be the paranoid, worry-wart, weird queen i always am. BUT, not that afraid of them anymore.
instead of worrying everyday about "will the lift suddenly snap and i fall to my death?" and "will insects crawl into my ears if i sleep too soundly and make me deaf?" or CRAZY things like "will some murderer suddenly break into my house and kill all of us?"and the impossible list goes so on...
i WILL focus on "what can i do to help people today?" e.g. like me helping out rachy and her group in their small brochure project this evening. felt so satisfied hearing "thank you" from their mouth after knowing i did a good deed.
but of cus, i dont think buying things from some unknown peddler and donating to those charity people on the street is something i will ever do. (except flag days done by students) BECAUSE, i am always told that these charity salesperson EARN quite a SUM OF COMMISSION from how much we donate.
like that time, me and queenie kenna "conned" by some guys selling whiteboards for 10$ after giving in to our COMPASSIONATE hearts ok. and aaron kinda suaned us for doing it because its just... stupid la. we're KIND people unlike you ok.
also, with that much of commission, i doubt much of the money would go to the REAL PEOPLE in need anyway. singapore full of scammers ok. (and i'm already thinking positive le)
even some of those people giving out church seminar brochures on the road are PAID ok. still rmb last time we were giving out brochures when the aggies came long ago and some credit card salesgirl came up to me and asked "How much are you all paid ar?" i got so shocked and said "No, we're not paid. We're doing this for our own church!" and she appeared even more shock than me i must say. zzzz. oh, but i heard that a few of those passerby who got the brochure came to the seminar and was very encouraged by it. so happy even when i think about it now!
ok, i got out of point again. =.= anyway, there will still be worries and paranoid thinkings deep within me, but no more silly ones. like "would mas selamat suddenly appear with a whole gang of bombers and whole singapore be ruined?" but just normal ones like... *sobs* "i wish the day my dearest grandmother leave us for the better land to be with God would not come any sooner than say 50 more years."
and such. because, i'll definitely cry till i lose 20kg de lor. =( tearing up just thinking it may happen. felt so scared. and that reminded me, i must get her something good with my own money one of these days. perhaps a jade bangle or pearl necklace.
yes, the price of the gift doesnt matter, but i just want her to feel really 幸福 and loved by me. and i wish that she would really watch what she eat so that her diabetes wont worsen! *prays*
last time, what i do is to subconsciously repeat my motto to myself: "live and enjoy each day as if i am going to die the next" but now it'll be "live and enjoy every day with a postive attitude and help as many people as i can even if i am going to die the next minute."
yea, i'm probably shifting my focus on myself to helping other people, but those insignificant help to anyone do lift my spirits and self-esteem bit by bit alright! not like last time i get more and more depressed by day thinking when would i die.
but the most positive thinking that i had now is "i'm a very happy girl with all my needs satisfied. i have no reason to be unhappy because i know my parents do love me (though there are still issues) and my grandmother is still alive and well with me (though i dont see her much anymore now because we moved away from punggol and i should start going back to find her just to see her because i really miss her)."
