first, sorry to everyone if any of the following comments hurt you in anyway.
second, i'm a vain, two-faced, self-centered bitch.
third, i'm a bias pig.
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after all the pretty words i said to you that day, i got very scared and afraid.
why?
because i know myself... i'm not someone who can keep my words.
i may tell you, "I'll check it out for you.", "I'll do it for you.", "I'll ask around for you", "I'll keep a lookout for you.", "I'll be there for you."
but, deep down in my heart. i'm doubting i can do all these.
unless, i feel that there a re some untold BENEFITS for me.
"wow, if i did that, perhaps other people will see me as a good friend?"
"hey, that sentence sounds good at that moment. good thing, i said that. makes me sound so noble."
"damn, i'm such a loving and kind person to offer my help unconditionally."
self-satisfaction.
self-praise.
i did it for myself. not for you.
i don't like people doing the same thing as me. because they are definitely better than me. they did it because they wanted to help people. i did it because it feels good.
i'm always jealous. envy of people. wanting to become that person. wanting to get the label of "a good person" because it feels good.
did i really did it because i want to help? or did i want to do it because it makes me feel great?
i don't know anymore!
why did i do it for person A and why did i not do it for person B? because i'm a bias pig.
there's no one i call "my close friend" even if i told you many of my secrets.
perhaps i was thinking "it should be fun letting someone know that secret."
sudden whim. just a sudden inspiration.
i love being a Christian.
i love God. i love Jesus. i love my spiritual brothers and sisters.
but, do i really love them? or do i love them because i'll love myself more if i love them?
i had no idea.
i am so disgusted. what do i want? i'm a two-faced monkey.
the good and the evil. the kind and the mean. the goody two-shoes and the fugly slut. the virtuous and the adulterous. the white and the black. the angel and the devil. the one that needs help and the one that shuns away. the one that loves and the one that hates.
Face 1: help me!
Face 2: stay away from me.
Face 1: please! anyone there?
Face 2: go away.
Face 1: please stay!
Face 2: get lost.
Face1: i want u to know me...
Face 2: dont come near me.
i love talking to you. i love telling you my problems. i love sharing your problems.
BUT
you're coming in too close for my comfort. you're knowing a bit too much. you're not supposed to be here.
i want to trust you. but i don't want to trust you.
i'm such a self-centered freak. i guess that's why... i called myself the queen.
