Have you ever came across this situation where NO ONE reply to what you said/asked?
i had ok!!! super many millions times.
is my voice really that SOFT till you cant hear me? or is my PRESENCE so THIN, people cannot FEEL that i am just RIGHT BESIDE THEM and TALKING to them?
or maybe... i'm not so important to become a friend to all of you after all.
i mean, anyone, anybody, anything, can replace me. or even better, it makes no difference if i'm really there or not.
if your reaction now is "if you really talk! people will somehow hear you one la!"
sure, maybe they would. but are they willing to chat back with me? perhaps not. because my input is not necessary at all...
SITUATION 1
one day, when i was still in my 1st 3 months for JC, 3 of my friends i made there and I sat a cab back to J8 after a school event somewhr at some reservoir far away...
3 of them: *chat chat chat chat chat non-stop, while looking out of window*
me: *asks a question*
3 of them: *stopped chatting suddenly*
-MOMENTS OF SILENCE-
me: *super sadded*
1 of them: "eh, why no one answer to her qns de? so poor thing"
me: "ya lor. so poor thing. hais" *trying to sound like usual, with a joking tone*
2 of them: "hahas, sorry la. we din really hear properly, dunno wad to say"
me: "oh, nevermind la." *sighs*
sometimes i really wonder, do my presence at this (enter event) really needed? most of the time, i'm just sitting there and listening, no input from me at all. just like a ghost figure who floats around behind all groups of my friends...
that situation is not that bad, at least they suddenly turned quiet because they heard me saying something and expected someone to answer me. saying sorry after that helps a little too i guess.
SITUATION 2
i was chatting with a group of friends... (not naming who, conversation kept secret too. lols)
person A: "blah blah blah, so wad u think? very bad rite!"
person B: "ya la! how can like dat? at least should blah blah blah!"
me: "so mayb-"
person C: "maybe can blah blah blah wad!" *says wad i wanted to say 1st*
person A: "ya hor! den i should had blah blah blah rite!"
me: "ya! and als-"
person B: "OMG! look at that!" *points outside the window*
person A: "ahaha! wad they doing? so funny!"
me: *laughs along and gives up talking for the rest of the time*
-AFTER A LONG WHILE-
person B: "eh, why u so quiet never talk de?"
me: "aiya, i nth to say mah. so hear you all chat lor." *sighs, you all still dare to ask...*
person A: "lols. you always nth to say de lor. must talk more ok!"
me: "ya la ya la. lazy mah. open mouth needs energy also!"
person C: "aiyo, you always like dat de! so lazy."
- and they continued chatting non-stop -
see, always, someone or something would distract people away when i was talking. =( so i was adviced that i should be thickskinned and repeat my point louder.
ya, must get used to it. =( somehow someday sometime. i'll try bah...
it's not so easy for me to talk in the first place. especially saying out loud my own views about something. or saying something that's quite personal during sharing sessions esp.
maybe none of u noticed, but i'll be super panicky whenever someone asks me a question i dont really know what to answer. when i dont know if its appropriate to answer like that. and sometimes my hands would end up shivering slightly when i actually said something.
that is something i never managed to overcome all these years. effects of bad childhood memory i guess? wad bad childhood memory? thats for me to know and you to find out. if you ever managed to force it out of my mouth.
besides being scared of saying the wrong thing, i'm also scared of ppl hating me and losing my friends after saying the things i said. even if it was unintentional hurting words.
"your friends would understand you dont really mean them!" yea perhaps. but the hurt is inflicted and the pain is there. people do that to me too and i know they din do it on purpose. but, there are times where the hurt accumulates and at times, it just overwhelms me. and i want to cry, complain, say i really dont like you saying all these.
but you all took it as a joke. and that hurts even more. "i really dont know!", "i really dont have money to go shopping with you!", "i really dont remember!", "can you stop saying that?"
but all you said was. "dont bluff, i know you know de ok! you just pretend you dont know becus you dun want to tell me rite?" "no money? i'm sure u still got NETS rite, just swipe la! and i know you surely got some secret money hidden somewhr de ok!" "dont remember? dont fake la! these kind of things how can dont remember!" "why stop saying? it's true wad. or you find that it's so embarassing to hear that again?"
all i can reply to such unintentional accusations was, "k la, wadever you say. ya la ya la."
it hurts to not have you trust what i said. even if it's just a I DONT KNOW and a I DONT WANT TO HEAR THE PAST.
of cus, none of you realize that till now i guess, when i type it out literally. sighs.
sometimes i really wonder. besides being there to be your entertainer, and be accused of something i'm not, what am i to all of you?
...
at the end of all these babblings, i guess what i really want to know most now is:
"will anyone miss me if... i disappear from this earth suddenly?"
and i bet, most of you will say "yes!" immediately, BUT, please take time to consider it. besides being someone with a common interest, not just someone who i always ask to join the gathering with, not just someone whose name is in the list of people to invite for cell group.
but as a friend that cannot be replaced by anyone.
after a year, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years... WILL YOU REALLY MISS ME?
